"Oh, James,“ Moneypenny sighed. His voice on the phone had been scrambled by one of Q's silly devices. She had not been able to tell which of them had called. The suave one with that square jaw? The debonair one with the dancing eyebrow? The Great Scot? The Aussie model? Remington Steele? The boring one?
Leaving aside James' imaginary identity politics for a moment and without infringing on the Bond movie franchise any further,
let us actually dig up Bond's personal file from Moneypenny’s vast cabinet drawers, setting aside M and Bond's visit to his Scottish childhood home in SKYFALL and the young adult spy novels of the "Young Bond” series that claim his formative years were spent in Switzerland.
We know he had been to Eton, yes, but as to Bond's date and place of birth, the only relevant, the only true source can be his biography. Published in 1973 by John Pearson, Bond author Ian Fleming's (
†1964) friend and former assistant, it was authorized by the Fleming estate. And, as we learn on page 26: by M himself.
"I suppose you have to know. The truth is that I'm a native of the Ruhr. I was born in a town called Wattenscheid – that's near Essen – on Armistice Day, 11 November 1920.“
1920. So we are definitely not talking Daniel Craig or Idris Elba here. In fact, this date places him right between Sir Sean Connery (*1930) and Ian Fleming's first choice to play Bond in "Dr No,“ David Niven (*1910).
Niven, the only actor ever mentioned by name in a Bond novel, went on to play Sir James Bond in the Bond parody CASINO ROYALE (1967), alongside Peter Sellers, Orson Welles and Woody Allen. But that is, literally, another story.
"So how come the Ruhr?“ the biographer dutifully asks on our behalf.
"My father, Andrew Bond, was, as Fleming rightly says, an engineer who worked for Metro-Vickers. In 1920, though, he was attached to the Allied Military Government with the rank of brigadier. He was responsible for helping to dismantle the empire of our old friends Alfred Krupp and Sons – unfortunately, he was not allowed to perform this most valuable task as well as he might have. He had this house at Wattenscheid – I don't remember it of course, but I did see it just after this last war – big, ugly, rambling place. My mother always said she hated it.“
007 later remembers that the house in Wattenscheid "had its own ground and was filled with servants, nannies, dogs and horses. In this defeated country, they were spoilt like princes.“ The Ruhr region, Germany's industrial power house, found itself under Allied admistration after both 20th century world wars.
The Bond family went on to live in Egypt, France, and the Soviet Union, where they were "to become one of the few Westerners to have lived through a Russian purge at first hand“. It was in Russia that James first encountered one Ian Fleming. But it might have already been in Wattenscheid that young James first learnt what cruelty man is capable of when he would have encountered the gruesome tradition of goose pulling (I dare you to google it).
"I have not, I hasten to add, a drop of German blood in my veins. It's always made me very touchy about our friends, the Germans. Shall we say I don't care for them. Fairly illogical reaction.“
Does Wattenscheid care for Bond? There are still scores of big and ugly places and even some rambling ones in Wattenscheid, moderately famous for its own (at one point Bundesliga) soccer club SG Wattenscheid 09 and now defunct Steilmann textile group. Many of the factories Bond Sr. had been sent to dismantle have been demolished since, with the notable exception of the power plant at nearby Jahrhunderthalle Bochum, reborn as a spectacular concert hall and a prime example of the region's post-industrial cultural renaissance.
But of the town’s most famous offspring, James Bond, there is no statue in Wattenscheid, no commemorative plaque. There may at times have been a 007 graffiti or two, only to have been painted over the next day.
There is a "Bond Döner Produktion“ company, but that may be a joke or just a coincidence. Since the amalgamation of formerly rural Westphalian towns in 1975, Wattenscheid has been a district of the city of Bochum, where an exhibition of Bond memorabilia was installed in a closed-down shop front on the rather lacklustre high street in 2019.
No such celebratory events seems to be planned for the centennial of James Bond’s birth in 2020. BO-ND, though, remains a popular bespoke licence plate among the young men in town --BO being the registration marker for Bochum--, alas very rarely seen on Aston Martins or BMWs but rather Opel Astras, proudly produced in Bochum until GM shut down the plant in 2014, after 52 years.
From what we know about NO TIME TO DIE, to be released in April 2020, the latest Bond instalment begins with Daniel Craig's Bond having retired from duty. Again. Just like David Niven's Bond at the beginning of CASINO ROYALE, only this time this Bond is biding his time in Jamaica. But what of all the other Bonds? Where did they retreat to?
Let's imagine one incarnation who defies his “fairly illogical” Teutophobia and retires to his place of birth. Incredulous? Yes, but no more so than the MOONRAKER movie.
Bond has spent most of his severance pay on a garden plot let by the local “Allotment Garden Cooperative Wattenscheid-Lehmkuhle e.V.“ On his way, he regularly stops at a supermarket, staffed by the children and grandchildren of immigrants from the countries Bond had saved / fought against in his younger days. Sometimes he bores them with his stories of Korean scorpions or submarine cars. They are neither shaken nor stirred by the fact that he buys vodka and gin. His new favourite is "Monastic Dry Gin. Made in Silence” by friars at a Bochum monastery.
Apart from FBI agent Felix Leiter, for the first time in his life Bond has made some friends here: The old man ploughing the neighbouring plot is quite a chatterbox (German: Quasselstrippe) as he tinkers with all the latest gardening tools and gadgets. He certainly knows how to detect and catch a mole. Bond secretly calls him "Q“. One acquaintance, Ursula, he even considered asking out but he became self-conscious when Karin from two plots down started making snide remarks about his physical state. There’s a few other neighbours he tries to avoid, like Curt and Max, but mostly everyone else is okay.
Like Martha, on the big, well-kept plot across, a commanding and matronly figure. Bond sometimes "runs errands" for her on his mobility scooter. Just like in the old days. Sometimes in the evenings, they play Baccarat.
But not today. He leaves his plot early and does not even stop by the allotment office for a chat with the attractive brunette secretary, Fräulein Pfennigfuchser. The moon has already come up —“The Moon over Wanne-Eickel,” as a local tune has it. He'd been there once, hadn't he, to the moon? He has to gather his wits and get some rest because there will be a duel first thing in the morning. Bond knows that Gert will cheat again on the miniature golf course, but: Live and let live.
Passing through the allotment gate, Bond whistles the "Goldfinger“ tune. An invisible orchestra picks up the melody and turns it into Monty Norman's legendary Bond theme.
Fade out.
Andreas Lammers is a freelance journalist and writer who used to live in Bochum.
biographical quotes from: John Pearson, "James Bond: The Authorised Biography" (Sidgwick & Jackson, 1973), a fictional biography of James Bond; Pearson worked on the Economist Intelligence Unit before working for Ian Fleming as his assistant on his Sunday Times column. Pearson also authored the biography "The Life of Ian Fleming" (1966).
imaginary quotes by A. Lammers
lead image: A. Lammers
licence plate image source: nummernschild-sammler ebay
