Germans produce cars which are the envy of the world. The country’s artists are celebrated in London, Paris and Hollywood. Everywhere homemakers set their hearts on owning a Bosch or Miele appliance. Germans excel at so many creative activities, with one glaring exception. They don’t make enough babies. 
The headlines have been melodramatic and sensational. As ExBerliner Magazine reported, German women, who for the past 30 years have only squeezed out 1.4 kids each, are not producing enough offspring ‘to ensure the survival of the German race, culture and pension schemes’. Every generation is replacing itself by only two thirds. According to the latest federal statistics, Germany’s population will drop to 62 million by 2060, down from 82 million today.
The reports are scary and pessimistic -- but not news. What is new is the direction in which the finger is pointing.
Once German newspapers accused women with university degrees for causing the falling birth rate. The allegation was that female academic ambition – which in Germany can take a student into their early thirties – put a kibosh on procreation. Study Böll and forget Bonking. But according to a recent survey by the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research, the accusation is a load of – well -- bollocks. German women who pursue a degree only delay child-bearing until their late thirties.
Today the fickle finger is directed at German males, laying responsibility for the paucity of children at their ... feet. Why? Because German men are unfeeling, ‘hard as rock’ and more interested in engineering than cuddles.
At least that’s the view of ‘Moorekwesi’, one of the many dotty respondents to the ExBerliner article. His view is supported by ‘LogicGuy’ who claims that German men aren’t nice to their countrywomen. ‘This, and the overall disrespect for German women, is surely part of the reason why they don’t have babies. German women simply don’t want to lie next to a man who does not treat them with kindness.’ Another correspondent named ‘Mixxim’ asks, ‘Beautiful German ladies, lots of Catholics, a German Pope – what’s gone wrong? Perhaps the men fancy each other?’ A fourth writer suggests that the answer may lie in granting Sandra Bullock dual-citizenship.

Last year I aired a survey which ranked the Germans as the worst lovers in the world (because they only think about their own pleasure in bed). Evidently a disappointing – and disappointed -- 20 percent of German women and 41 percent of German men have never given their partner an orgasm. (No surprise then that three percent of women admit to planning household chores while having sex.) And when asked what would improve their love life, a depressing 12 percent of Germans said they didn’t have one. As for the rest of the country, sex lasts here for an average of 17.6 minutes, if you want to set your watch.
So do German men need to develop their sensitive side? Should they put aside their engineering manuals and concentrate instead on being better listeners, treating their loved one to body lotion and flowers, preparing romantic meals at home, aiming for intimacy rather than dissemination, even attending courses on ayurvedic massage?
Well, sure. It can’t hurt. But – as every foreign visitor knows – there is a much more obvious means of stimulating the birthrate (and it’s kinder to battered male egos).
‘In a recent visit to Berlin, a two-week apartment swap, we were amazed at the single beds pushed together with twin duvets,’ wrote the wise and insightful correspondent Fritzwiz in ExBerliner. ‘There was an abyss in between which made snuggling your bedmate difficult. Our comment at the time was, “How does the German birth rate survive this?” Two singles pushed together is not a double bed. A double bed with a single double duvet or top sheet and blanket promotes cuddling which is the first step for those inclined to have children. Ach, Du liebe!’
German men: seize the initative! Toss out those narrow mattresses! Burn every single duvet! Buy a huge, real double bed! Then warm up the ylang ylang massage oil. The future of the nation is in your hands!













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