Sex in Singapore? Here are the rules.

But attitudes towards sex in Singapore can be strangely contradictory. We get all puffed up and outraged about the morals of young people whenever someone posts a Youtube video of youths in school uniform making out in public, but scantily clad women (some as young as 18) are free to sing, strut and even pole dance at getai (over the top live performances with gaudy costumes) events whenever the Hungry Ghost Festival comes around. Such performances are traditionally meant to entertain the spirits who are believed to roam the earth during this period, but the crowds they attract tend to be of the flesh and blood variety, and almost exclusively male and middle-aged.

In everyday conversations, even among young, educated, cosmopolitan Singaporeans, sex is often a taboo topic spoken of in hushed tones. The attitude seems to be: everybody is doing it, but we don't want to be the first ones to admit it. As public relations consultant Rachel Ang, 26, notes: "Talking about sex is like airing dirty laundry. Not everyone's going to take it the right way."



Official attitudes tend to focus on the functional aspects of sex, namely procreation. Despite monetary incentives from the government, birth rates here have been steadily falling, in common with many industrialised nations. This is partly due to birth control policies of the 1970s, when couples were told to "stop at two". Official statistics also show that more people are marrying later or staying single. particularly those who have attained at least a university degree.

And the authorities are ever eager to lend a helping hand, especially in the form of the dreaded Social Development Network, first set up in 1984 to promote marriages between graduate singles. The moment you graduate from university, no matter if you are single or attached, you begin receiving flyers from the SDN urging you to join in their activities so you can find a partner, get married and start procreating. These range from speed dating events, salsa dance classes, photography workshops and even events exclusively for Christian singles.

There aren't many people around who would admit that they attend these events. After all, it used to be known as the Social Development Unit (SDU) - or as the old joke would have it, Single, Desperate and Ugly.

For some, it helps if you are co-religionists. Businessman Chris Quek and his wife Alicia, both 32 and Christians, met through mutual friends and now attend the same church. The couple married in 2009 and just had their first child. "I was always looking for someone of the same faith," says Mr Quek. "When I went out with non-Christian girls, whenever I broached the topic of religion, it was very difficult to see eye to eye."

He adds: "It is definitely easier to meet someone in church, and I have seen a lot of people within the same church community who get together. After all, church is a very comfortable setting where you can talk to each other without the expectation that you have to go on a date."

It gets more complicated for those who do not fit into the traditional (i.e. governmental) definition of a family unit. Under Section 377A of the Penal Code, inherited from our former colonial masters, sexual intercourse between two men is still classified as a criminal act. But authorities officially said some years ago that they would not actively enforce the law. And while there are openly gay media personalities, prominent academics and even civil servants, media reports tend to skirt around the fact, usually describing them as "single" or "bachelors". It is all rather reminiscent of the now-extinct United States military policy of "don't ask, don't tell".

Kenneth (not his real name), who works in the media and is in his 30s, comes from a devout Christian family. He has been dating his engineer boyfriend for almost two years, but both their families remain unaware of their sexual orientation. Oddly enough, he says dating is down to a "logistical" issue.

He notes: "We can't hang out at each other's houses and watch TV. Staying with our families is out of the question, and even going to a hotel can be an issue. So it's a highly discreet issue."

Kenneth says he has chosen not to come out of the closet simply because he does not want to deal with people's judgement.

"I do know couples who stay with their families and they have come to accept it. Some people are very out and very open, but people like us are very cautious, as it can affect our careers. The people closest to me know and that's enough."

So there you have it - sex in my city: it's complicated.

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Nicholas Yong